This week I have been receiving so many different messages from various sources about ‘stop worrying’, ‘stop being anxious’, ‘stop thinking about things I cannot control’. This included the inspirational book I have been reading that centred around one man’s tragic journey through sequential life-threatening events but his mother’s message of, “everything will be alright” carried him through. I also have been receiving on Facebook beautiful images and sayings centred around ‘staying calm and going with what you know’. And even this morning, the daily guide verse was based on Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything…..” “ A verse I also remember that was used from the powerful musical ‘Come from Away”. All quite remarkable parallel events.

For those of you that know me, I have my Faith and I am probably being nudged along by an Unseen Influence. But of course, have I been listening. Not at all! Instead over the past many weeks of disquiet and sleepless nights, I have been fussing about ‘the known’ while at the same time worrying about ‘the unknown’. Being fearful about changes out of our control that will occur over the next few months. I have chosen to deliberate on upcoming anxious circumstances and hassles that lie ahead for both Marc and me. Then this morning out of the blue, the talk at the church I attend said exactly that.’ Stop worrying! Let fear go! Step back and let God have a chance.’

Funny! Do you think that was meant to be?

Totally apart from the spiritual side, I guess I am the kind of person that won’t listen to ‘messages’ unless I am hit on the head! (yes- I have actually been there before!)

The ridiculous part of all this was that I did not even want to go to Church this morning. I was tired and quite content to stay in bed to continue enjoying hearing the soft rain falling and observe my husband in his gentle state of sleeping. But as the sun rose, the birds chatted, and our beautiful day of rest abandoned …  off we went.

It actually was quite humorous when I look back now at how this happened, or more concise the way it did. We all laughed afterwards. But on my way home as we chuckled about the ‘coincidence’ of this happening, we reflected that in our marriage relationship I am the ‘risk analysis’ person with both feet on the ground whereas Marc lifts his feet off and takes the risk. Basically, I do the worrying for us both. When questioned further, he commented that he is aware of the things that he cannot control but he chooses to concentrate on ones he can. That is who he is. Pragmatic and Practical. I guess that is part of his medical calling. Me. Well, I am different. Yes, I am practical and sensible, but thoughtful. When I met Marc, I actually warned him I was a thinker!  To be honest, I do get concerned about things but often about matters I cannot control. Sometimes it is hard to take a step backwards, or not a step at all and let go!

So, what does that actually mean?

What does it mean to step back, to surrender my worries and concerns to a higher wisdom? Do I see it as an act of defeat or is it an act of trust?  Is it walking back from the canvas, allowing this higher power, the Master Artist to wield His brush knowing that the outcome may not be what I wish to happen, may in fact be quite tragic, but trust that it is part of a bigger plan beyond my control? Is it a weakness or an acknowledgement that He can paint with colours beyond what I can see?  Is it being aware that His strokes can create valleys of resilience and peaks of grace and respite and when I let God have a chance, perhaps I can become part of this Artists work?

I am one who likes to take control. I cling to my illusion of control. I grasp tightly at the threads, afraid that if I release them, chaos will consume me. I need to be organised, ordered, know what is happening. That is who I am. But somewhere in that illusion, I can hear ‘God’ whispering through various edifices, books, sayings, or imagery, within the rustling pages of my control book, that “I need to trust the unfolding of what is going to happen and release the responsibility of my uncertainty.”

No, it is not easy as all that beautiful imagery above. It is quite a difficult aspect to let go. But I guess I don’t need all the answers right now. I probably don’t need to see what will happen over the next period of time.

I dont know what you believe about the universe or a higher power, or have any faith or religion credence yourself. That is not my quest. What I do know , that for me I undoubtedly need a stronger Faith to know that I am held by Hands that shaped galaxies and believe as I gaze upward, that in His cosmic palms, I can somewhere find my view. To watch as my answers slowly unfold in the spaces where I have dared to release my control!  To accept that as Martin Luther King Jr said “I don’t have to see the whole staircase, I just have to take that first step”.