“They leave our homes but never our hearts”
‘Oh, it is only a Cat”.
How hard and callous is that sentence. Something that should never be stated!
Losing a cat or a dog is a life-changing event, one that is just as hard as the loss of a human companion. They are a part of your family and importantly, the pain associated with their demise is devastating.
Two years ago, I lost my beautiful Tabby cat ‘Big Cat’ and this week- on Monday 21st May, I lost his sister “Little cat”. Shadow.
She was 18 years old.
For 18 years she was part of my family.
After the immense loss and pain of losing Big Cat, (Tipsy), at the age of 16, Little Cat became my companion and a constant presence and truly came into her own being when my first cat passed away. Back then she (Shadow) was somewhat reserved and for many years cuddly, but it was a ‘you can pat me when I say so…. ok I have had enough now…”, how we all used to laugh at that. However, on her own, these past two years, she became so loving, so vocal talking to me all the time, particularly when there was food or milk involved, but so huggable and just wanted to be in your arms or on your lap or upright on your chest snuggled into you. (She used to also climb on my husband’s lap and settle which is surprising as he is not really a cat lover!) Meowing, whenever her actual owner, my daughter Tanya, came online and hearing her voice, jumping on my lap to chat with her mistress in huge miaows, answering her inquiries!
Even though, we both know it was the right decision for Little Cat, it does not make it any easier to accept. Such a hard one to make, even though you know it is “right.” I truly did not think I would be this upset after losing my first cat, but I am. Perhaps even more so.
Again, I have had to ask myself the same question, why my grief is so huge. And again, to answer that same question, just like Big Cats death was connected to the passing of my first husband, the losing of Little Cat, certainly finalises the link in the chain to him. When my first husband died 18 years ago, at such a young age to malignant melanoma, both cats filled that gap for me. When my first cat passed away, two years ago, in my heartbreak then, I knew I still had Little Cat to unconditionally love me, to look up at me in her shadowed etched face with those huge green eyes, to be beside me, not asking questions, just seeing me, purring beside me, climbing in, and nestling beside me and on top of me, on the lounge, on the bed or wherever. She didn’t mind, as long as she was warm and near me. Someone there beside me every day. No other reason. Sitting beside me when I played the piano, making the most discordant sounds, not sure whether she was singing along, or complaining. I guess now I will never know.
Now she has gone.
How she has left such a significant void in my life.
I truly feel like my heart is breaking.
I am sure it is!
Truth beknown, she was my daughter’s cat but due to external circumstances that Little Cat could not live with Tanya, she stayed with me and for the past 14 years of her 18 years, she has been my cat. Tanya and I always used to laughingly argue….’mine. no mine’…but she was ‘mine’.
When Big Cat died, I could not stay to see his end, but I patted him and talked to him and seeing him content, hearing him purring strongly, I then left him with Lauren our vet who continued to pat him as I left her surgery in tears. I could not stay. I needed to remember him as he was purring and relaxed, knowing he was loved. This time it was different in that I was with my daughter as we made the decision together to ease her pain. It was definitely much harder! Calling Tanya home to say goodbye, sobbing with the thought of knowing what we had to do, sobbing as we held her for the last time in my house, cuddling her, hearing her purr as we drove to Lauren the Vet again. Tanya holding onto the cat in her arms and not wishing to let go, me holding both Tanya and the cat, wanting to turn back time, and sobbing even more intensely as she took her last two breaths in Tanya’s/our arms -so calm so peaceful- but both of us sobbing so painfully, our hearts now breaking, splitting in a heart wrenching snap, knowing she had now left us.
I really cannot believe how my heart is breaking, how I have simply sobbed in my husband’s arms over a cat and little things she used to do and not seeing her. I have been to work this week but not much done. My head is simply not there, and I cannot communicate normally with people. My staff are so great and all I do is start to cry- trying to keep it together. But my pain in my heart is strong and I have done nothing but sob since she has gone.
My staff member made me laugh when she herself, close to tears at my loss, fully understanding my grief having her own cat, told me a story of a friend (or a relative) that when my staff member had concerns re her own cat, would reply” Oh it’s just a cat”. One day in reply to this friend/relative, after having had enough of the callousness, when this person was upset about her child, my staff member turned to her and said, “oh it’s just a child” and walked away. In my tears, how I laughed. But it truly brings home the fact that the love you have for your family member and the heartbreak you feel is still the same – whether human or feline!
Just like losing a human member of your family, it is just as hard facing and working through those small simply triggers of memories, those small little things that start the tears. Like coming out of the shower and not having her there meowing, something she did every day, like not having her jump up on the bed every night to settle beside me, like not hearing her caterwauling when she could not find me. Knowing that we should remove the cattery this weekend…. something both cats used frequently when they could. Not seeing her sit in the sun on top of the air conditioner in that cattery – where she loved to be. Not seeing that structure there, something that has sat in place for 14 years when we moved here, will instil even further that she has truly gone. I still have not sat down at the piano to play as I truly cannot cope with that grief just yet because I know she will not jump beside me and sing. I am not sure when I will do that as right now my heart is breaking.
I also know that time helps you to move on but right now it might take a little more time as mine is broken, shattered, crushed and the pain is so intense. My tears are flowing, and just like Big Cat, the most awful and horrible aspect of walking in my back door every day in coming home is not seeing Little Cat there. Neither of them to ever talk to me in their own way. Knowing they will never be there again.
Big Cat is gone. Little Cat is now gone.
And though at times she was a pain in the proverbial, she bought me so much joy , so much happiness, so much love.
No, She is not just a cat .
She was my cat .
She held such a huge place in my life, in my heart.
She always will.