Tags
communication, famly, grandchildren, grandparesnts, grief, loss, love, Nana, saying goodbye, stories
The death of a relative is upsetting, painful and difficult to believe. The fact that most of us experience at least one loss of this kind in our lifetime doesn’t make the grieving process any easier. It is not enough to protect us from the initial shock, or the numbness and it certainly doesn’t absorb the emotional turbulence as we individually ride through the various stages of grief.
Families also differ in their closeness, hierarchy, proximity, relationships, and overall dynamics. In an ideal world, it would be perfect if all families could grieve together, however, we know that they often do not. Heightened emotions, different grieving styles, misunderstandings, and even in house fighting can make it hard for people to support one another and attend to their own grief needs. But even so, it does not matter how big or old we are, our grief at losing someone in our family is personal and exclusive. We feel it, we experience it in our own way, and we truly cannot compare how we feel to others. It is unique for just us.
It is also interesting that when someone close to us who is quite elderly dies, we often hear those positive statements from others. These platitudes may be in the form of ‘what a good age’, ‘let’s hope we all have such a long life’, ‘it was the right time for them to go’, ‘you’re so lucky you had so many years with them’, or ‘they had great innings’. You do agree, but because that person has always been there, it does not change the fact that even though we knew it was going to happen, we still experience a particularly strong sense of loss, as if something fundamental about our world has shifted forever. This is because we know that person has always been part of our lives and it is simply hard to imagine that they will not be there anymore, even if they were elderly.
And when young children attend funerals, to explain to your own grandchild “where is Nana’ is also a part of that grief. To answer their questions without the banalities of ‘gone to a better place’ but rather of where she physically is, why we are here, what we are actually doing and why we are celebrating his or her life can be confronting for us as we try to answer those questions and at the same time deal with our own grief. But to a child, not having experienced a funeral of a loved one before, those questions must be answered simply and honestly to alleviate any anxieties, they, in their child’s world, may have about their relative and what is happening. I believe I did that.
Yesterday was the funeral of my first mother-in-law Nana Bussa.
She was my late husband’s mother.
I know for Nana, as we always called her, it was so hard losing her son before her own life ended – something she never really got over. Something no parent should have to do. Something I know, re my own children, I would not want to live through either. Understandably, though I was not publicly acknowledged as part of the immediate family, to me she was always my mother-in-law. Not being mentioned truly did not worry me at all because I knew that she herself always considered me as part of her family. I knew her for many years and contact between us was still maintained after her son had passed away. I knew I had to attend her funeral in person to say goodbye and I did.
Timewise, I had met this incredible woman at such an early age. She had been part of my life for over 50 years- meeting her when I was twelve. Her son and I were childhood sweethearts. I knew over the years, that I shared with her matters that I perhaps did not share with my own mother at times. Nana helped and influenced me through various moments with my statements and questions and her reply of answers and comments! Through the years of courtship, then into 23 years of marriage to her son and then the many years shared after he had sadly passed away too early, our own mother/daughter relationship did not falter but stayed strong and we had maintained regular contact. After all- even though I was ‘technically’ no longer married to her son, she was still my children’s grandmother and my own grandchildren’s great grandmother! She attended their weddings, stayed with them stayed with me at times…. we were family! No-one could ever take that away!
For many, many years, we communicated regularly through my “books” (stories) in the form of my letters to her of my immediate family and tales of happenings of our lives as we were living it. To nana, I would always start my letters with “Go and make a cup of tea and grab a chair- here are my stories”. She absolutely loved them and always talked to other family members and friends about my tales and yarns of her family- her children and her grandchildren. At the wake, for me it was heart-warming to reunite with other family members whom I personally had not seen for many years, to see what they had achieved and to watch my own two adult children engage with their cousins- all the other grandchildren and regale some of these and other stories together.
To my letters, she always replied with comments about my real-life stories told, or questions asked and when handwriting became too much, at an older age, she corresponded in small sentences, through her mobile phone with SMS texts and pictures! And rang! Amazing! Today I found out that she had kept every one of my “books”, my letters that was posted to her over the years. What a treasure and unknown blessing for me, as I will now have the opportunity to re-read through my letters sent to nana, reminding me repeatedly of this woman’s influence in my life!
She was also the Italian matriarch of the family and there was a period, we also communicated in Italian when I was attempting to learn this language. Many letters back and forth were written for her to correct! She would always adjust my letters with a red pen! It was always interesting to receive her mail in the post and see these numerous red lines across my attempts at written Italian. I believe I read Italian and interpreted it better than I wrote it! I do think she agreed! Eventually I gave up! But it was fun and an important part of our communication for us!
She had so many stories herself to tell and would always take a long time on phone calls. Many times, when she rang, you knew it was not going to be for 5 minutes or a 15minutes call, it was usually a 90-minute call. My own children and I would always laugh at this as we knew you had to prepare yourself for her endless circle of words and narratives that would come. So, with this in mind, the phone was placed on the table, and on speaker. Nana would then regale us with happenings as we continued doing what we needed to do, occasionally saying “yes nana” …” really nana” to let her know we were still there. I am sure as she talked, she had no idea what else I was doing, or the others at their own places, when she called them, were doing! I am also quite sure many times, we all had no idea either what her phone call to us was actually about!
She also had a funny sense of humour as well. I remember taking her to Stanthorpe (where she grew up) and visiting the Cemetery. I followed her respectfully at a distance around the graveyard, watching her exchange acknowledgements as she visited various gravesites and memorials. After a few hours, she came back, climbed into the car and said to me “Well that’s good- I caught up with everyone!”. Oh, how we laughed.
Nana lived independently on her own until the last 8 weeks of her life.
But today she has gone.
She has moved on.
She was a strong woman. She was a passionate woman.
She was 99 years old and had lived a wonderful busy life. But now I have to say Goodbye.
She was my Mother-in-law.
And I loved her Very Much.
“Please let me go, I have so many things to see and do
You mustn’t tie yourself to me with tears, be happy that we had so many years.
I gave you my love and you can only guess how much you gave me in happiness
‘I thank you for the love you each have shown but now it is time I travelled own alone.
So, grieve a while and grieve you must, then let your grief be comforted by trust
Its only for while that we must part, so bless the memories within your heart
I won’t be away for life goes on So if you need me call and I will come
Though you can’t see or touch me I’ll be near and if you listen with your heart you’ll hear
All my love around you soft and clear
’And then when you must come this way alone, Ill greet you with a smile and say welcome home.
(Mary Alice Ramish- spoken by my daughter her granddaughter Tanya at Nana’s service)