Wow! 2021!

2020 has gone, left through the back door to never return again.

Remember when you were a kid and your mum and dad let you stay up late because it was New Year’s Eve? As a child It was the one night of the year that we were allowed to ignore our regular bedtime and celebrate with the grown-ups. But what does it mean now that we are old enough to dictate our own bedtime and the desire to see the New Year in?

For many, the marking of a New Year means the turning of a new leaf and an opportunity for change. New Year’s Eve represents the closing of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. It is depicted as a time to reflect on the year that has passed, setting a marker for comparison of how our life has changed over the past 12 months and at the same time, an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and make a pledge to start over again with the turn of that new year. We all do make big plans to ring in the next 365 days and wave goodbye to the year that was. This is why many adopt a New Year’s resolution to mark a fresh start.

This year, many people are mourning the fact that 2020 was a year of cancelled plans and dashed hopes. It was a year of sadness and death. It was unmistakably a very different year of unexpected adjustments and many comments of New Year Greetings have been declared that 2021 will be a better year! I look at the screen saver of past photos and see what we did together in the past and as I do, I reflect for myself and agree that  2020 was definitely a different year. Not what one would have expected for the beginning of the 20’s.

So, on an Australian Public holiday long weekend away from work and stresses of ‘my other functional life’, as I sit here in my outdoor area and write on now the second day of January in this new long-awaited year of 2021, what do I feel?

TO be honest, Mixed feelings.

New Year’s Eve came and went. The new year of 2021 entered. But not quite the way I planned it either. Somehow, my other functional life became mixed up with my public holiday life and expectations.

New year’s Eve bought my best friend here playing board games until about 9pm then being tired, departed home, to which my husband and I receded to the lounge to view a movie in order to stay awake to watch the minimized 2021 Sydney fireworks. Yes, I have to admit, it is getting harder each year to stay up and I think I dozed off a bit, while waiting. Of course, we had to welcome the new year together, and in particular, this coming year, even if it was just the two of us! A lovely Kiss shared together, followed by a kiss goodnight only to be awakened abruptly by the shrill tones of an old phone at 3am by the midwives ringing with a woman in labour. Home return at 6am New Year’s Day and then resuming back at the hospital by 7:30am to see his patients as part of his VMO (Visiting medical Officer) round, in conjunction with his own patients.

Yes, he was on obstetrics call. Yes, we should have gone to bed before midnight. Yes, he was on VMO call. Yes, in hindsight maybe not a good idea to see 2021 enter.

The hardest part for me, was he was not meant to be on VMO call but gallantly stepped up to the mark as the Doctor that was supposed to be on call on 30 and 31 December, did not attend his roster and my ever community minded conscious husband took these two on-call days. Another issue though occurred as our local Telstra tower locally had blown out (or whatever had happened to it,) since December 29 (and still not back in working order yet at time of writing on Jan 2) therefore all these messages to his phone re his official acceptance of in hospital patients and other things that usually dictate that role, simply did not occur. Oh,except when he got to the hospital at 3:10am and they all downloaded on his phone in one huge dump!  Yes, many hours spent in the local hospital, devoted in seeing eleven patients plus on New year’s Day, for him, his supposed day off,

Me? l obviously spent it alone too as, not only was my husband away attending to others, I had also developed a cough and a fever through the night and after submitting to the COVID-19 test, (just to make sure,) spent the day in isolation.

Of course, I knew it was not Covid positive but as I am in healthcare, I am responsible for many others, so had to do the right thing, in waiting for the results. I have to laugh as I write that word, ‘responsible’, as many people from Avalon, surrounding northern beaches and Greater Sydney hotspot areas had arrived this week on our doorstep to party and holiday at Byron and locally surrounding areas.  We had even seen some of them present to our own practice this past week but via local hospital knowledge, over 300 presented in one day to the hospital for Covid tests. That was definitely a good thing, but what was hard to hear was the skiting of how they “escaped Sydney to have their holiday in our region.” Hmm-something wrong here with that picture.

January 2^nd arrives, our second designated ‘holiday” day and hours spent home alone again as in-patient hospital visits made once more. Yes, I know I married a doctor and I work with him, but sometimes even though you know that fact, you don’t have to accept it always and your emotions get the better of you after many hours of feeling neglected and lonely! This weekend has been one of those. In addition, even though I am feeling much better, am still waiting for the Covid results, so I can myself escape from this mental and physical isolation. It also didn’t help seeing friends and family comments on Facebook about catch ups and gatherings, makes it all the more so harder for me, as this is the last break, we will have alone together for many months. Yes, I gather you can hear, I am feeling a bit sad and down and a tiny bit sorry for myself, knowing it is not quite the long weekend with my husband, I was hoping for to begin the new much anticipated year of 2021.

There is no doubt that we have all gone through a lot this past year. This global crisis of Covid-19 literally took over our lives at the beginning of 2020, affecting so much of our normality through confinement, job losses, sickness for some with health care blowouts almost the entire year. Separation from loved ones, birthdays celebrations through skype, zoom meetings, , no contact, no hugging, no singing, no groups, bands, closing of public places, no physical church worship, constant hand washing and sanitisation & cleaning of physical areas, schooling conducted by parents while they work , all within the space and confinement of our own homes. This is something we could not have imagined, even in our wildest dreams. Our version and definition of what we consider to be ‘normal ‘has changed so much…probably never to be the same again.. Yes, 2020 has been particularly hard.

While I am feeling low today…I reflect that 2020 it has also taught me some important lessons.

Like being mindful, of living in the moment. Of dealing with the issues as they arise. Of taking each day as it comes.  Of being positive in negative circumstances. (Oh yes, that is so philosophical coming from me today who today ,does not feel very positive, but it is all hugely important.)

Of smiling. I am one who usually smiles and laughs so easily, but sometimes it is hard, when feeling so down and flat, (like this weekend when plans go wrong) but I know I have to keep smiling and to genuinely feel my smile and look forward to whatever the day itself brings- both good and bad. As hard as it might be, I need to smile the first thing every morning, even if I have to push myself to do it.

Like reflecting on what I have, of being thankful. I am thankful for what I have. For what I have done this past year.

Like turning 60 this year and even though my plans were changed dramatically, I still shared it with my beautiful family, both blood line and work based. For being able to still work. To have the ability to still have my job, to each morning get up and go to work and manage my admin and clinical team, to be able to continue on under duress and exhausted circumstances and to come out the other side. For my health (even while still waiting for those ### results!)

To try and avoid dwelling on what went wrong and if work based to focus on how I can change things for the better. (Family based…well that’s a little harder but can only try!) Like knowing, I still have one more positive day to go of my break! Life can sometimes be understood when looking backwards; but we must live it forwards.  Looking back will only slow me down so I know I have to keep looking forward.

Like never taking anything or anyone for granted. Even in those hard moments.  For appreciating what I have and even though my expectations this weekend were not being quite what I wanted, to try and graciously accept things that don’t happen as you plan it but to know it is still okay! To know, that something else occurred which was all right too!

To know it is a new year, with new dreams, new family gatherings, new challenges, a new ‘other ‘time together.

To be thankful, I am still healthy. To know I am still alive

So, in my own little corner of the world, with my mixed feelings in hand, I am waiting.

So, come on 2021. I don’t know what you are going to present to me this year but bring it on.

I am ready.

Happy 2021 New Year Everyone!