Tags
death, family, hurt, love, moving on, pain, people, remembering, remembernce
Those we love can never be more than a thought away
For as long as there is a memory, they live in our hearts to stay.
“Really….it seems like only yesterday….
I can’t believe it’s already been that many years…
It’s great that you have moved on by now…
Time heals all wounds.”
That’s what people say…
I’m here to tell you that’s not true.
No matter how long it has been, in days, months or years, grief is an ongoing thing. Time does not heal wounds. And we definitely do a disservice to anyone in pain, grief and remembrance when we have expectations of how long it should take before they ‘move on’. No matter how extensive it has been!
Here’s the truth from me.
You never ‘move on’.
You never ‘get over it’
You simply move through it.
You learn how to accept that your life has changed.
You learn how to cope and manage your life with the unfolding of your new story…one day, one month, one year at a time.
That’s what you do.
Today is the anniversary of the passing of my late husband and in three days’ time the celebration of his life and you know, it does not matter how many years later after your partner has died, you still grieve! Throughout the year, yes, there are constant reminders they are no longer here, but it is the actual day/month of their death that is still the hardest.
It still surprises me the intensity of my attitude at this specific time each year.
For me, my life is running along the normal work routine. I am busy, engaged, active and happy and then generally one or two weeks before, out of nowhere I get irritable, grouchy, and teary. Even though I try hard not to do so, that familiar slow ache begins deep in my soul. Of course, I know why!
I know why I begin to become snappy, why I feel more fatigued, why I withdraw into myself more, why I am acting this way sometimes without any real explanation or reason. But inside, I know it is my grief response that is triggered by that significant date, that momentous event that has reactivated the remembered experience of Mark’s death. It is felt in all parts of me – heart, mind, body, and soul.
Memories are heightened.
Feelings are intensified.
So, yes, this month is always the hardest month of the year for me.
And even though it is fifteen years ago I still recall the past few months we shared together.
Seeing still clearly the bed in our back room that had become a hospital room; appreciating the family all around, their help, their laughter, thanking the friends who came to say goodbye. But also seeing my children’s nana watching as she was losing her son. Feeling the fear, the tears, the anguish and desolation of imagining a future ahead without my husband, of not just knowing but comprehending my children would be now forever without their father. The anguish of watching the suffering and pain of what Mark himself was going through physically mentally and emotionally as he was dying and the hardest part of all in not being able to change any of it!
All those wonderful memories of the time we had before his death, enmeshed with the time leading up to his demise as they all tumble and fall together in this one singular month strongly of those past few weeks, days and our final day- our final hour together.
I wait every year for March to come.
I so welcome it passing by!
I cannot wait to get to April.
Then it will be another year that I have moved through…..
Everyone grieves and remembers differently.
Taking the time to honour and remember a loved one’s death anniversary is about reconnecting and reaffirming our on-going relationship with the deceased. I know that sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it…but it is quite true. Because when we do so, every year we are psychologically “reframing” the day; and in ‘reframing’ that day, that actual time, we are taking it from a period of extreme often un-relievable sadness to one of gradually working and easing it into a mindset of acceptance. Because, whatever and however you grieve, and for whatever amount of time, when a person holds an important place in your life and then they are suddenly gone, you are forever changed.
For some their ‘day’ is a painful reminder of what they no longer have. For others, they have learned how to take the precious memories of their loved ones, and somehow weave them into their present life.
Whatever works is right for you and nobody else.
Your situation is unique.
For me, what is hard, is that I know people that care about me remember. My close family and friends who feel my pain, my grief my intensity at this moment because they remember it and treasure it all too. I know they are there, and they don’t have to say anything at all. Their smiling silence, hold of the hand, that loved hug is a tremendous comfort.
Others have remembered and understand me in my feeling at this time. That is special too. Then naturally, as they move on with their own lives, ultimately, they begin to forget. There is that last-minute gesture at the end of the day or the next, sent via text or email of ‘thinking of you at this time’.
But that is not their fault.
I do not blame them at all
It is simply life.
After all, why should they remember, it is you that went through it –still walk through it, not them.
That is quite ok.
And there is also the other side at this time, where colleagues and new friends who work with you on a day to day basis, all functioning, as they should, as normal as possible because they have no idea what you are feeling on this actual day of Mark’s passing. I am the one who is trying especially hard not to be snappy, irritable, teary or withdrawn, not them!
They don’t know about this part of my life.
They didn’t know Mark.
He was a prominent figure in my past. These current colleagues and new friends don’t know who I was as a couple before I met or worked with them. They are here in my present in my today.
So, I do what I do best, I laugh. I act normally.
After all, why should they react any differently?
They don’t know and I don’t say.
And that is quite ok too.
As a result, you go about your day acting like it is any other day(s) of the year. Whereas in truth, that is utterly impossible because you are quite deluding yourself that you can “go about your normal business” on that day.
But you know …
It is not a ‘normal’ day.
It is a day to remember.
I do remember.
Even fifteen years later – the sadness is still there. The memories are still there
And It Is Hard.
Death. It is certain. And we can’t do anything about that.
Yes, the anniversary of Marks death happens each year.
Yes, it arrives every year, like clockwork.
I am not in control of many of the difficult circumstances of my life.
I am responsible for how I respond to them.
That is the most important part of my day -today.
I choose to honour Marks memory in my own way, not just today but always. I daily take the precious memories and somehow unconsciously weave, intertwine and share them into my present life. It is what I do on a daily basis and I am blessed that I now share a different existence with a man who understands this past huge piece of me, of my life.
But for me this month, this day, today, a sad but memorable day, a special time, I continue to accept what is.
And I respond.
I continue without any guilt, or admonishment of anyone or anything, to caress my pain, my grief, my heartache of what I had, of what I felt then; of what I feel now.
Once more I touch it, I stroke it, I release it and I let it go….to float once again in my flight of memories.
My past gliding, weaving and traversing its own way with my present.
I continue to remember, to treasure and value those memories of what we had as a family together, of what I had.
I continue to walk the path ahead less travelled and not to be scared to appreciate every minute of it.
I continue to have faith in my journey …. that voyage that is just for me.
Happy Special Remembrance Day to you…my darling Mark Bussa
I love you
I always will.