Today March 13th marks the 12th Anniversary of the day my husband died.
I hate this time of year. I hate the lead up with his birthday so close to my sons, knowing that two weeks later, my husband passed away. I think of his mother, feeling her grief, her sadness, her hurt, her loss as well as mine. I simply wait for this week to pass as I sit silently and work quietly and wait.

Twelve years!
Twelve years and so much has happened. “So much water under the bridge” as they say. You know, you always feel that each year gets easier! Well it should get easier! Even someone extremely close to me said today that I did not appear to be as ‘affected’ this year as in past years. You believe you are not. You think, another year, I am fine. But, sitting here at the computer, sharing my thoughts and feelings with you, I know I am affected. I still feel the pain in my heart of losing him. Yes, there is still pain and loss and heartache. I believe more that we have a way of hiding things and pretending that it is ‘better’ each year…and that I do not hurt. But, yes, the ache is still there.
Just like love, grief is an experience that evolves and changes with time; but one thing is for sure, it is not forgettable, because it never completely goes away.
I doubt it ever will.

Grief is an ever-changing attendant. That is the nature of grief; it has its own rhythm. It is both in the present and in the past and appears that it continues to visit no matter how much time has gone by.

You know, even 12 years later I can still see the image of where he was when he died, the way the room was, who was waiting outside, of how he was holding my hand and gradually slipping away to the fathom of a new life beyond what he had here. I know exactly the song that was playing, which is embedded so clearly in my mind. I can still see and feel my young children around me as we cried together as we said goodbye to a husband and to a father. Do you know, ‘Goodbye-‘is such an easy word to say to the living, but such a horrible word to say to the dying.

No, it does not go away. It is still embedded in that corner of your mind that you don’t wish to visit all the time. Those images, those memories, that pain and heartache of severe loss, of never regaining what I had, those tears of grief, unhappiness, of the fear, loss and pain all bundled together in an unknown future. And that sadness is still there inside me, returning with a force this time of year, because even 12 years afterwards, my late husband is still with me in so many ways shapes and forms. I guess heartache is the price we pay sometimes for love.

No, don’t get me wrong. It does not eclipse my everyday living. When Mark died, I thought I would die too. I wanted to. I wanted to roll up in a ball and wash away the world completely. I wanted to be where he was. Out of pain. But for those that know me personally, you know I am happy again. How could I not be? I have a wonderful new life, I walk a new pathway of a happy career, I have a new husband with whom I share a different but somewhat same life, a man who is my partner in many things and with whom I will be ecstatic to spend the rest of my life. I have almost four beautiful grandchildren that I love with my whole heart and soul.

But I guess the point is, no matter how long has passed since Mark died, moving forward in life does not diminish the feelings of loss, of hurt, of pain, of death, of those ‘what ifs’ and those memories that always come flooding back this time each year! (And in reality, not only this time of year, but on significant days and dates and memories throughout each year). And for me, as long as I am alive, as long as I see and have my children and grandchildren around me, that loss will always be there in many shapes and forms. Of reflections and laughter, of perspective and thought processes, all related to that missing person at the long-ago dinner table.
Who just wanted each of his family to be happy without him.

I still will hate this time of year, I will still see his face. I will always still miss him. But as each new day rises with the sun, I know, be they sad or happy reminiscences, I know I will deal with it  in each intensity, in each period, in each new season of life along with the happy times I journey through.And, I am still smiling. That’s what Mark  wanted !

I guess, I just have to keep walking.
I am sad.
But yes  I am happy.
I also know I am not alone.