Today, eleven year ago, my late husband passed away from cancer and each year, at exactly this date and time I dread the coming of this date.

Why??
After all these years you may ask?
Because this date brings back so many difficult memories of the day, of the events leading up to that day, of seeing those last images in my mind, of the feeling the burden of sadness and fear, and the eventual outcome of that day.

Each year I dread seeing what my daughter puts up on Facebook as I know she misses her father every day and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that. Each year I wait for response from my son in some form or fashion as he is not usually a demonstrative person but reflects in his own quiet way. It might be through a comment on the phone later in the week, but it is still there. And then there is course the 16th of March which was the official day we said goodbye. Each year, I wait for these dates to be over and gone.

It is so hard trying to explain your thoughts to someone who has not lost a loved one of
why you are still sad and why you still reflect on that day …. I mean, life goes on and why don’t we just move forward. Well, we do. But it is so hard for someone else to really understand that even though you have moved on in your life as he wanted us to so do, this day is still a sad one……and even though he is often in our thoughts in some form or another through the rest of the year , it is that sacred day today of special memories, of remembering both good and the bad, and of laughing, crying, reflecting on those memories we have of the one who has died.

This year, I have also lost my father and my uncle in a short space of time. I know exactly how my mother and my close aunt are feeling each day, because I have been there. I have walked their journey, yes at a much younger age, but still, it is the same journey of loss and grief. It is learning to survive after death and eventually learning to walk again. I also know when they/we get to that first anniversary of their deaths, it will be such a hard day for everyone

Because..eleven years later, I am still emotional.
It does not simply go away. It is always there.
Because as the poem says in this blog…We do cherish that place that Mark is in our hearts…and that space will always be reserved for him.

I guess it is about how we reflect. How we react!
But each year is different. It has to be!

I am also blessed because I have a beautiful family in my son and my daughter.
I am blessed because we do share so closely and we talk openly about their dad.
We don’t sweep it under the carpet.
We don’t hide the memories for fear of upsetting someone.
He is in many conversation as we remember those funny memories at times when they pop into our heads.
We reflect on ‘what would he have said’-‘what would he have done’…what facial expression would he have pulled! And…sometimes I do not want to think of what would he have thought of this!! But it is a special advantage that we can do this, that we can share so easily.

Even though it is emotional from my behalf because their dad is not there for my children to see what they have achieved, to see what they have accomplished in their lives, to meet their spouses, to see his grandchildren, I see so much of him in my both children…in very different ways.

What is even more special is that my husband now, knew Mark. I do not have to hide anything from him in reflection, I do not have to hide the sadness of today. I can talk freely about him with this new man. In fact we can talk freely about him together. That is such a treasure to me. That is rare believe me! That is such a wonderful aspect of my current life.

He knew him, he understood him, he knew who he was and he respected him in different ways. He talks about him to as a family unit with daughter and son and grandchildren. We talk together and share, reflect and laugh in those memories when they happen. That is special.

He knows how I feel today.

So, as another year of Marks death comes around, I reflect
on the sadness of his passing,
of the loss of a father,
of the loss of the community worker,
of the loss of what he meant to me.

But importantly, I also reflect on
what I have learnt since his passing;
-of I have found,
-of I what I have gained emotionally;
-of conquering my fears;
-of learning to live as who I am;
-of what I see happening now in my beautiful family
-of what they have learnt in their own walks of life without their father there physically, but in memories and spirit.

So, on this sad day, as each of us light a candle to his memory, I thank him not only for the gift his living bought to each of us
… but for everything since.
We remember you Mark…

I remember you
Always.